Threesomes

A long rumination and some advice about threesomes

Threesome, also called ménage à trois, is a relationship that involves three people instead of the classic two of the stereotypical "couple" to which society has accustomed us; a combination that is accepted and unassailable from a social point of view, but also so granite, boring, and devoid of ideas of imagination for who have already experienced everything or almost everything.

Threesome can be of three types:
a) only sentimental, where there is a strong interaction between the three components, but without the classic implications of a sexual nature;
b) only sexual in which the involvement is only in bed, but people then lead their own separate lives;
c) that that I define as "absolute"; essentially a real relationship that follows dynamics, sentimental and sexual, similar to those of couple relationships where, however, there are three partners.

Nowhere (except in the case of monotheistic religions) is it established that it is wrong, immoral, dangerous, aberrant, to choose to live in a threesome relationship. It is something that involves the intimate sphere of everyone. On this point I did a research exploring all fields, history, art, philosophy, anthropology, and many others. The only exception, as I said, is in monotheistic religions, but you have to believe in God to feel sinful, and this is not my case.

The threesome therefore, from a purely immanent and non-transcendent point of view, is neither unnatural, nor dangerous, nor does it endanger anything. So, for those who feel the limit of having only one partner is too tight, for those who have fantasies that go beyond the couple, for those who feel they can give much more than a single person can receive, why not accept the idea of ​​a threesome? Is this a behavior that society condemns? Who does care of it!
Listen to me: if you like it, do it. Do not give up on something you want just because someone judges you or because you think your partner does not accept it. Probably he (or she) also thinks exactly the same as you, but is afraid to confess it to you. After that, once you have established that you want to try the experience, it is good to understand how things work and what are the dynamics within a three-way relationship.

Well, the first thing to know is that it is very difficult for this relationship to be perfectly equal, even if it can be in balance. Equality and balance are not synonymous. A three-legged table never wobbles, but its top can be more or less tilted to one side. In the case of a relationship, therefore, taking our table as an example, its top is mostly shifted to a well-established couple (which we will define as a basic couple) which accepts the insertion of a third person from the outside. It is the couple who "welcomes", who opens the doors of their intimacy to those who are strangers at the beginning, but who little by little, then, going to fill those gaps that are inevitable in every couple, manage to change the table top. I don't know if the example is the most appropriate, but it is what was also done to me when, for the first time, I accepted to try the experience that would open me the window on a new world of relationships, and also of satisfactions both physical and mental.

In any case, I know that it is not easy to understand the concept without having directly tried the experience; however, to make what I am going to write later more understandable, it is better I exemplify with a scheme: for simplicity we name with W and M, respectively, the woman and the man. Then, we classify with (e), (o), and (b) the three sexual drives: heterosexual, homosexual and bisexual. In this way we will be able to label according to acronyms: W (e), W (o), and W (b), the heterosexual, homosexual, and bisexual woman, and in the same way, M (e), M (o) , M (b), the heterosexual, homosexual and bisexual man. From this we can already understand how the triangular combinations can vary not only according to gender (2W + 1M) or (2M + 1W), but also according to what can be triggered by the sexual orientation of each component.

Therefore, a threesome formed by a base couple [M (e) + W (e)] to which a third person W (o) joins, will be completely different, and will have completely different needs, from those that can have a threesome in which the base couple is composed of [W (o) + W (b)] joined by a third person M (e).

The speech risks becoming confused, but to make it easier to understand I will limit from now on to talking only about that threesome that I consider most relevant to my need, which in reality is double, even if it differs a little.
The first is the one that could be schematized as follows: {[W (b) + W (b)] + M (e)}, that is to say two bisexual women (who form the base couple) to which it joins, as third person, the heterosexual male element.
The second is what is schematized as follows: {[W (b) + M (e)] + W (b)}, that is, the basic couple in this case is formed by a bisexual woman and a heterosexual man, joined by the third person who is a bisexual woman.

As I had anticipated, the general scheme, both in the first and in the second case, is no different: (2W + 1M). What changes is instead the composition of the base couple and this, even if it may seem of little importance, represents a fundamental element in the threesome, because it is from how the base couple is composed that particular dynamics are determined and completely different in the threesome relationship.

It is logical that this is so, as a threesome is not something that is expressed only in bed, it is not only an interaction between penises and vaginas, but also involves other aspects of being together, which are many, to begin with from the moment you wake up in the morning, to how you interact during the day, to the expectations, the tasks, the confidences and even the small (or big) rivalries and competitions that are created. Aspects that exist in any relationship involving two human beings, can they be absent in a three-way relationship? And above all, what can their complexity be?

About threesomes I think I have a fair amount of experience. Suffice it to say that many relationships I have had as a couple (both with men and women) have evolved into threesome experiences. Some were just meteors; others, on the other hand, were serious and engaging stories; still others have even exceeded the limit of ethics allowed in triangular relationships, to the point of changing what was the base couple from which everything started.

In practice, as you could understand, I did not miss anything, especially during what I call my "exploratory period" of sex, that is, when from a good girl, serious, shy and introverted, I became, indeed I was transformed ( yes, today I can safely say it: transformed) into a woman with all the requisites to be able to define herself really free.

It is in this "exploratory period" that there was obviously no lack of transgressive experiences, in three or in groups, both those seasoned with warm passion and what I thought was love (and maybe it was), and those in which cold, cynical and indifferent, I was simply satisfying the sexual desire.

Once I was even with a man who took the virginity of a friend of mine while I held her hand. I would like to say that we were all already of age. My friend was a bit behind the times because she thought she didn't like men but only women. Later she was able to make up for it, discovering she was not a lesbian, but bisexual.

There have been who, however, have described the threesome as the
way that goes beyond the rainbow, the place where every desire is fulfilled, where completeness becomes truly complete and every emptiness, both sentimental and sexual, is filled. It is therefore the extreme climax, the point of no return, the hottest, most intriguing and exciting thing there is.

For many it is unattainable, perhaps out of modesty, because of their own morals or even out of fear, but to those who are not afraid to get involved, in a total, complete, absolute way, to those who have sufficient security and self-esteem, to those who do not have more desire to swim with a life jacket and want to try something extreme, the threesome, when conditions allow it, can become the "game" that reveals the most unknown aspects of one's personality and sexuality, exactly as , magically, the colors of the rainbow could be revealed to those who are color blind.

Ultimately, the triangle is the end of the hunt, and in bed it is the moment when the senses come on in their entirety; sex becomes an exciting fireworks display which, once you have witnessed it, you can no longer give up. It can be compared to a drug, to a vice, to something that makes us succubus or addicted, but it must be borne in mind that not always of the same spectacle causes the same sensations.

What I think, in any case, is "three and no more than three", because with four we enter the field of orgiastic chaos where too much confusion makes the volume too high to be heard; you lose the details, the fine notes, and like for the music it can become annoying. The secret of everything therefore lies in the perfect balance between physical and mental stresses, between sensations and emotions, between sex and feeling, and this is achieved only by using the right doses of everything, because if you exaggerate in one element, you lose the magical effect.

It is superfluous at this point to explain that "right doses" and "perfect balance" are completely subjective concepts that differ from person to person, therefore they can be modified according to the needs of everyone. I like to compare sex to a cake: if it goes beyond three people it has too much sugar and it becomes cloying, while when the parties are only two I always have the feeling that something is missing and it is not sweet enaugh. Three is therefore the perfect number for me because, as far as I know myself and for what my needs are, it is the only relationship in which I can find balance and stability.

In any case, to explain certain things, nothing is more effective than direct experience. Obviously I appeal to those who want (and way) to try on their skin. Because when a triangular relationship is true and not fake (the fiction is that in which, for example, a bored couple chooses to try a threesome by introducing a third element that is only in passing or even for a fee , such as a prostitute for example), not only gives us the exhilarating feeling of having found the end of the rainbow, but can also leave deep scars inside us. For this it is necessary to know and respect some rules, to prevent this "game" from turning into something that is nomore a threesome, but total disaster.

 

First rule: only accept situations where everyone feels comfortable.

If we go back to one of the schemes described, [2W + 1M (e)] consists of two women and a heterosexual man. In the event that the two women were heterosexual, in bed it would certainly be the man who would have the greatest satisfaction , the only one who actually would feel in the right place, therefore the most advantaged, while perhaps the two women, as heterosexuals, would not be completely comfortable interacting with each other. It would therefore be an unbalanced relationship in favor of man.

At the beginning of this post I also explained that the triangle may not be (indeed it almost never is) an equal relationship, as it is the base couple that initially drives the game and decides whether or not to include the third party, but for there to be satisfaction for all the components, equality is not necessary: ​​balance and stability are the predominant elements. A simple way to stabilize the threesome in our example, so that everyone has, in addition to adequate sexual satisfaction, also the feeling of not feeling "out of place", is that the two women are bisexual: [2W (b) + 1M (e)]. Apart from that this is not the only reason why it is the scheme I prefer, but taking into account that a triangle is not exclusively a moment of sex, each one according to their needs is able to understand and choose the combination which can be considered balanced.

However, very important for the threesome to form in the right way, is that the base couple works well even before opening the doors to the third party, and that both partners already have a stable and problem-free relationship. And by this I mean a complete, fulfilling and sincere relationship, in which they blindly trust each other. If this were not the case, the "game" would soon turn into a catalyst for the unresolved problems of the base couple, and everything would end in a real disaster.

Another wrong thing would be to start a threesome only because one of the two partners wants it, while the other accepts it only to make the first one happy. The experience, even in this case, would be disastrous: only the time to bring out the contradictions and misunderstandings and the base couple would shatter, leaving bitterness, disappointment and disgust, where instead well-being, enjoyment and full satisfaction should have remained.

 

Second rule: be honest all the way.

For what I anticipated in the first rule, it is therefore advisable that in the base couple there is maximum clarity, maturity and sincerity; no one who keeps inside "unspoken things", unacknowledged, latent desires and dissatisfactions. It is for this reason that I recommend this experience only to those who have no doubts, not even the smallest and most insignificant, about the strength of their relationship as a couple. Before adding another person to a relationship, it is always good to deal with the topic seriously, examining it in every detail, telling each other everything, absolutely everything, even directly at the risk of even appearing rude. It is these details that make us understand the level of confidence, the limits of the couple and if the partners really do not have problems with each other. Since the threesome is something that risks revolutionizing the relationship, it is good to know right from the start that after nothing will be as it was before. Certain things must not be faced lightly, because such experiences are never light.

Therefore, if you are a woman who does not mind inviting another woman into bed, but perhaps does not want her man to penetrate her, and he is a man who gets aroused at the thought of seeing his partner who has a lesbian relationship but at some point he wants to fully enter the game and participate… well, if a couple is like that, they need to talk about it first, long before the clothes start flying around the room.

 

Third rule: always involve and never exclude.

Intentions are one thing, facts are another. It's like when you talk, just to talk, about trying an extreme experience like jumping off a bridge with your foot tied to an elastic. Everything is easy in words, but problems arise when we pass from intentions to facts and we find ourselves on the edge of the abyss. That's where the problems come to a head: when you have to put your intentions into practice. In the case of the threesome, it is when the decision is jump all three into a bed.

Threesomes are not like that of a couple. The couple often follows shared rituals, which are sometimes repetitive and although of various kinds, in the end, however, if the couple works, they satisfy both. Even a quickie of a few minutes can reach the goal, although there may be the selfish need for just enjoyment, in two-person sex it is still impossible not to include the other, even if it can happen to consider it only as an object.

Threesomes, on the other hand, are something completely different. It involves a lot of foreplay and it is important that everyone feels involved and no one is excluded. Unless someone also has masochistic tendencies; in this case, even feeling excluded could bring some satisfaction. However, everything about the path to the threesome, whether it starts out as a swinger club episode, or is something pre-organized or more participatory like a relationship between three people who choose to "unite" sexually because they feel to have this strong desire, you must never lose sight of that it is the base couple from which everything begins, and if you are part of such a couple a threesome must absolutely include your original partner. Its exclusion would mean that you have not respected the previous rules.

Another piece of advice is that none of the partners that make up the basic couple has to have a "guiding role" both in the choice of the third party and in the bed, as regards sexual participation. In threesomes each must act according to their own instincts and not follow the instructions that someone else intends to impose. Unless, I repeat, there are someone who's sadomasochistic .


Fourth rule: find out what exactly your partner wants.

When you are sure that you can respect all the rules listed so far, you are already well advanced and perhaps even ready to take the plunge. It is therefore time to proceed to understand, first of all, what you and your partner are really looking for in a threesome relationship. For this it is necessary to check that the third person is complementary with what you and your partner, as a base couple, have decided. Remember once again that when you choose to make this "leap", the couple relationship will have a very high probability of changing: there will be one more bond to deal with. If this is still not clear enough, then it is better to just pay a prostitute (or a gigolo') for a threesome, but in this case the road will never lead to what we have referred to as "the way to the rainbow", and everything will be limited to a simple transgressive experience and nothing more.

In fact, there are couples who want to try the experience without creating bonds with the third person. They do not want to risk complications and prefer to consider the threesome as a "multiplier" for the enjoyment of the senses. In the past I met many couples like this. They were happy, close-knit couples, accomplices. The only thing they wanted was to share a "toy" in the bed. It was therefore logical that everything was limited to a very normal non-involving experience from an affective and emotional point of view. This separation is therefore considered a good for some: no involvement, if not marginal, and therefore no risk of seeing the relationships change within the basic couple. However, there are people for whom, instead, it is not possible to imagine a threesome if not long-term, because otherwise, in a banal game of threesomes without emotional involvement, they would not catch any kind of interest.

So, whatever the project of the base couple is, whether you want not to involve the third person in your relationship, or whether you want to include them to the fullest extent making them become in effect a partner for both, all this must be discussed before, since everything must be clear before you decide to hook someone up and take them to your bed. The last thing you can wish for (and this concerns every type of relationship, not just the triangle) is in fact to have an beautiful night ruined by not having a clear idea of ​​what to do next.

 

Fifth rule: set the stakes to protect your borders.

Maintaining a separation between normal life and what is instead "recreation" is essential. Believe me, if you try to mix them up you risk making everything too complicated, too fast, and speed when it comes to things involving complex spheres such as sex, can cause anxiety. And anxiety, in these cases, is certainly the number one enemy.

Although it is easy to use the internet to access any kind of relationship, including a meeting with a stranger for sexual purposes only, all without adequate knowledge in advance, face-to-face conversation and trust that it is built over time, it can make us meet people who then turn out to be wrong, if not downright dangerous, with the risk of throwing us into situations that in the end turn out to be traps. Honestly, I must say that I too, sometimes, have tried to have certain experiences relying on the internet, but I have understood that for certain things there is a need for calm. The Internet is too fast, too immediate a means, it doesn't give you time to reflect, and it frequently leads to making wrong choices. So I strongly advise against relying on social networks or something similar for what is so special, as intimate as the composition of a threesome relationship, whether you belong to the base couple, or to propose yourself as a third party.

The classic methods are the best: chance encounters, especially if you are in a relaxing situation such as during a vacation or a trip. In any case, whether you want to use the web or the classic method, you must always be careful about what is said around, especially to those we do not yet know. Not everyone is inclined to think well. Not everyone is inclined to accept differences in the sexual tastes of others. One thing to do is therefore to avoid expressing too intimate confidences to those who, one day, could turn them against us, in the places where we work or study, or in any case that we frequent out of habit. The less the people around us and whom we meet every day know about us and what we do, the better. If we are looking for a bit of transgression, or we know we have desires that are not commonly accepted by the respectable society - such as wanting to be part of a threesome - it is good that we realize them far from home.

 

Sixth rule: always have the “panic button” available to press.

It is always needed, not only in threesome, to get out of the situation when you understand that you have made a mistake, when the person with whom you are having sex is not right, when we sense that it is not the right one and the risk is that everything turn into a disaster. The reasons that can lead to pressing that button are many. In fact, there are more situations that are wrong or confused than those that turn out to be right and perfectly clear; anyone who has slept with tens of men (and women), as I did, can say this with the utmost sincerity. In any case, it is experience that gives us the warning signal: the greater the experience, the sooner we realize, through signals that only our refined senses can perceive, that something is wrong. Who better than us knows when the stakes we have set, our border, the limit we have imposed on ourselves has been exceeded?
For me it happens when:

I feel confused and start to feel almost nauseous.
I feel out of place and I don't really know what I'm doing in that certain situation.
It makes me want to jump out the window and flee.

If we are there to have fun, but we feel that something is preventing us from doing it, that we cannot relax, then it means that we are not having fun at all, but that we are suffering in some way. For this you must have a method, simple and direct, to put an end to suffering.

The base couple, therefore, if one of the two partners does not feel comfortable with the third person, should agree on a code word that means "quit". Likewise, in case you are the third party, but you feel uncertain, clumsy, inadequate, don't hesitate to say it. I recommend this especially to men who, finding themselves in bed with two women, sometimes believe they have reached an ideal position from which to escape would be considered crazy. However, in the end, if they feel they are unable to complete their task and do not say it, they risk to have an experience even more frustrating than by not immediately confessing their inadequacy. There is nothing wrong with confess one's weaknesses. No one in this world is perfect and the failure of the past helps to acknowledge one's limitations, and to behave better and more confidently the next time.

Well, this concludes my long rumination dedicated to those who feels inclined towards this kind of experience. Needless to repeat that, for me, the absolute threesome is the only form of truly satisfying relationship, even more than the usual couple one, but as I have said several times, it is a completely personal fact. I know that this long speech dealt with a complex topic, which by some may even be considered unacceptable, but what's wrong with all this? A threesome, after all, if the relationship is born in the right way, according to the rules I have listed, it is nothing more than a sentimental and sexual "enlargement" towards other people. It is an inclusion in one's own sphere without anyone being excluded, and this can only be considered a positive fact.

As a final consideration I can affirm, with the utmost sincerity, that in my life I have witnessed greater happiness and balance within polyamorous relationships than in the canonical couple relationships in which everything becomes the exclusive property of the other, who sometime appropriates them in an almost morbid way. And it is precisely from this that misunderstandings and conflicts arise.

 

 


Chiara Di Notte

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